i haven’t been myself lately.
Do you ever have those times in your life where you can’t even explain yourself? People you thought knew every part of your being can no longer fill that space in your heart. Things that strung up a passion inside of you become boring, meaningless, or an unthinkable action. Every single thing about your life changes and you can’t seem to explain how or when all this happened. You are different. And in these broken moments, you spend some time out of your mind.
I will be completely real with you. For awhile there, I was searching and I was searching hard. What for? I can’t exactly tell you. Maybe it was for acceptance, beauty, self-respect, respect from others, or just plain fulfillment. It could have been any number of these things. I peered into every hallway and down every tunnel. It was almost I was stuck inside my own mouse-trap experiment. I didn’t know where I was, how to get out or how I got there. Eventually I starve from the ignorance of what I became so familiar with.<
During this 3-4 month long season, I spent quite a bit of my time alone. This was painful for me to experience at first. I'm a woman of life, laughter, and friendship. Never did I ever think that I would be actively searching for a familiar face in the midst of people I "loved". I truly began to discover the beauty of silent lips and observant eyes. I saw a side a different side of people when I wasn't busy competing for their attention. Gazing at what was around me opened up my eyes to the bigger picture of what was around me.
While this time by myself stretched me and allowed me to grow, it also showed me how selfish I was. The taste of that word on my lips was bitter and put a distinct memory into my brain. I wasn’t just selfish in my immediate desires but in my time, my interaction with others, and my addiction to my time at work. Every part of my calendar was about making myself feel secure. The set of numbers in my bank account was never my inspiration. For me, if I was busy and clocked in, I was successful.
Being a work-aholic brought sleepless nights and the constant battle of when I could find rest. I didn’t care how long you had stayed up the night before, I was more tired than you. I didn’t care that you spent the whole weekend at the beach with your friends because I was at work. And I didn’t care that the words I was reading in my Bible were forgotten as soon as I was putting it down.
I found myself face first on the floor pleading for Him to give me an answer. Every part of my soul was screaming for relief. I felt as if I was being suffocated in the midst of my search for what I thought was myself.
“when oh when Father will I ever be pleased with myself?”
“Daughter, I have you so perfectly placed. You are exactly where you need to be. Don’t be afraid of those dark corners before you because I will be with you. Keep loving me, hold on and never let go.”
This is where I found solace. This is where I found peace. In the defeat of my hardened, crushed spirit, I myself felt defeated in every possible way. My muscles were sore from clenching so tightly and my flesh was tired of the fight. My eyes were heavy from the weight of the tears I had cried. I gave it up. Everything. Who I thought I was, the people I thought were my friends, all of it. Gone. I looked into the mirror and stared myself in the eyes. I began to memorize what I saw, to make sure I never forgot again.
I don’t think that I have truly ever found the end of this journey. I have turned down many corners and peered down many hallways but, I haven’t found what I’m looking for. And I have had to realize that this is okay. I could wake up every day and wonder where The Lord will “lead me”. Where I will work, how I will get there and even who I will marry. But all this questioning would lead me into just another black whole of uncertainty. For now, I’m spending some time out of my mind because I know that I’m far better off inside of His heart.